My Dearest Tsunami,
Firstly, I love you, from the bottom of my heart. How can I not? You have been my steadfast cheerleader, supporter and companion since – well, probably since you felt I needed you.
There is a protection you have given me that has been greater than any other. You came alive- much like a new devi-roop – when I was feeling less-than-loved and less-than-worthy. You held my (little) hand, and helped me find a way to be loved and worthy. You made me driven, and you helped me achieve lots of amazing things for myself and all the lives we touched. I will forever be indebted to you, for shaping my life in such beautiful ways.
But there has been a cost to it too – a cost that is increasingly impossible to ignore. The cost of a life lived instead of living a life. Or rather, rushing though it, in your case. I am sorry that sounds harsh but perhaps we too, have a love-hate relationship.
Tsunami, you drive me too hard. I am exhausted from the relentless ‘doing’ that you believe will make me worthy and loved. I acknowledge (and am thankful for) how previous ‘doing’ has made me feel more worthy and loved, but I am now just racing from one ‘doing’ to another – at the cost of all that is dear to me – being able to spend time with myself, my dogs, my family, to be able to experience ‘empty’ time, to be.
I think the scheme we had going – doing to cover up inner-inadequacy – was flawed from the start. Its like any addiction, drinking copious amounts of alcohol may make me temporarily feel better, but its no medicine for the deeper self-doubts I face.
And I have to face those doubts – hard as it is, and will be, the only way is through them. Not under, above or around.
Tsunami, a part of me never wants to let you go – we have become such good friends, you, and I – old friends and bookends. And I know you are worried about my well-being too – but Dear Divine Devi-Roop, have faith in the knowledge that I have strengthened my ability to be able to face my self-doubts. Be happy in the knowledge that I am no longer needing support from other sources. Be proud of the little girl you have always loved and protected.
But for that, like every parent, you too must take a step back and let me go. I need space and time and freedom. Rushing from one doing to another doing to put band-aids on the cancer that is my inadequacy – is no longer helping me.
I love you. Grant me liberation as your act of love for me. Always yours,
Reply to Little V
Dear Little V
I have read your letter to Tsunami so many times and every time I find something new that I come across that leaps out at me. I use the words “leap out” as some words have the power to just grab you by your heart and shake you – some of your words have done just that for me.
“The cost of a life lived instead of living a life. Or rather, rushing through it, in your case , ” “at the cost of all that is dear to me – being able to spend time with myself, my dogs, my family, to be able to experience ‘empty’ time, to be….
These words resonated with me as with the various roles I play as a working mother, therapist, writer, teacher, leader…the “doing ” disguises itself as life…as if this is all there is to life and then when “being” and empty spaces are reclaimed…they give such immense joy and connection before “doing” chases it away…
The image that came to my mind is of “devi-roop” – devi with many roops/faces…one face of the Devi was “holding your hand” and finding a way “to be loved and worthy” and “shaping life” in “such beautiful ways.” And then Devi took another roop – driving, racing, rushing and doing…
What I take with me is the tenderness with which you appeal to maybe another compassionate roop of that Devi to “have faith”, “be happy” that “be proud of the little girl you have always loved and protected.” In my life, as I navigate these intense times, these words will help me be more compassionate to myself to “be” and have faith.” That will definitely be “liberation as an act of love.”